Letter to 8th Grade Me (4.11.17)

Hey you worm,

Yah, you don’t get that yet but you will in half a decade (I know you’re doing the math right now and yes, it is 5 years, congrats on doing basic subtraction). Cute selfie btw. I’m being sarcastic btw. Just making sure you know you’re not cute (HAHA I’m dying).

Anyways, I have a bone to pick with you (as future you), so listen up. DO NOT, I repeat, DO NOT post on facebook ever. Pretty soon you’ll be posting hundreds (literally hundreds, close to a thousand) humiliating selfies that no one asked for. Memes are not your thing, so don’t try to pretend you understand them because you still don’t, and you never will. Also, feel free to go crazy with your friends, but don’t ever post about it or say “rawr xD” online (or any typed emoticon for that matter). You can work on your facebook page all you want, but guess what, I just end up deleting 3/4’s of it so chill the fuck out please. If you think I’m being unfair (which I bet you are because your motto is “life isn’t fair”), I’ll let you have your other trash websites, just please for the love of god, do not post on facebook.  I’ll let you message your friends on facebook, just as long as you don’t do anything public. I think that’s fair, and since I am you in the future, you have to do what I say. I’m sorry if I just crushed all  your social media dreams. Get over it.

This is what I mean by no Facebook.

Also, don’t tell your crush you like him at the end of the year (spoilers: it doesn’t go ever well). Let’s just pretend you didn’t like him all year and he actually doesn’t matter, because he doesn’t. Yah, I haven’t spoken to him since you have so ha you’re fine. LET ME REPEAT: YOU ARE FINE, because I have seen your poetry about heartbreak and having a hard life and it is utter trash. Not to mention your heart never broke and you have a fucking good life so let’s not dismiss all that with terrible rhyming okay?

---

Anyways, lets have a little break. I didn’t want this letter to be a huge shit storm heading your way, because I know you’re sensitive at the moment. To be honest with you, I am the hardest on those I truly care about, so consider yourself one of those people (as I roast you to smithereens lol)(my apologies). Let’s talk a little bit about you/me now. Spoilers:

• I’m not that hipster fuck you wanted me to be.
• Your cat is still alive, so stop thinking she could die at any second. 
• You get a boyfriend.
• He was in your sixth grade math class (you don’t remember him so ha jokes on you).
• You have a solid group of friends now, so just keep trying** 
• You will get through braces as a beaut, just trust me

That’s all you need to know to get through your pubescent life, you tween fuck. 

---

And we’re back at it.

Would it kill you to lay off the makeup a little? Your skin is fantastic at that age so just chill the fuck out.

Another thing: don’t buy those bright red skinny jeans. You’re trying too hard to be something you’re not, and those jeans make it so damn obvious. Your friends can be scene all they want, but you are so white and lanky; it was never meant to be.

And what is your music taste? Oh that’s right, it is shit, but I guess we can’t all be perfect now can we. You can have your weird moment, just don’t say I never gave you anything.

Also, why are you so judgey? You’re just as weird as the rest of them, so let them be, girl. Keep in mind, not everyone sucks. Eighth grade sucks, don’t blame it all on the kids. (Some of the blame is on the kids, but not all of it!) 

One last thing, if you’re ever sad, you live in a house full of people who love you. There is no need to be alone and sad when family is literally everywhere. You don’t need to say anything, just hang with them for a little while and you’ll cheer up right away. It has worked every time.

I hope you read this knowing I only want the best for you/me/us. I actually think you’re kind of a cool kid, and you’ve got a lot to look forward to. Eighth grade is going to be quite a change for you, so just go with the flow. Take my word for it, you turn out just fine.

-Alli (in 2017) (I know right, 2017 looks so weird)

p.s. Earth got eaten by the sun slightly sooner than expected, so the human race had to move to Pluto (which is no longer a planet, but we still live here so fuck you NASA). This is my view from my apartment.

p.s. The real joke is one of those things I just said is actually true, lol fuck you 8th grade Alli.