If my Blog had a Horoscope (6.9.17)

Hey worms,

So this idea occurred to me a few weeks ago and I’ve been wanting to know what kind of a bish my blog would be if the worm was a person (this is where you realize I’m mental)(it’s cool, I’m fine). No offense to those of you who take horoscopes seriously, but I can’t help but laugh at people who are strictly Scorpio, or some shit, and live their lives through horoscope lingo (like you do you boo, but who’s the mental one now). Honestly, I used to really like reading my horoscope in magazines when I was younger, but now it’s like if you don’t know your zodiac sign, who even are you? My favorite type of bish is the one who says “I’m a Capricorn mixed with a Taurus, with Scorpio tendancies(;” LIKE BISH WHO HURT YOU.

I think this whole premise of giving my blog a horoscope isn’t even that strange for me, considering I named my last phone Cortney- because she was a white bitch (literally white)(bitch because she was always playing me- crashing nonstop). Sorry to all you wonderful Cortney’s out there, it’s just a common white girl name where I live. We had a love hate relationship, but I’m glad it’s over.

ANYWAY, back to my blog’s horoscope.

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This beaut-of-a-blog was made on October 8th last year which, according to this website (which you know is legit because it has a space background), means it’s a Libra. A fucking Libra. Honestly, I have no idea what a Libra is, or what it means, or anyone who is a Libra- basically: Libra who?

As for signs, I found two?

 

Cute, a scale. My blog is a fucking scale. This better mean something cool or I’m disowning this bish.

So I looked up today’s horoscope for my blog here, which says:

“Jun 9, 2017 – Expect to have to make some adjustments in your love life, Libra. You may be in a different frame of mind than your partner. Why not use the day to step back from the relationship? Spend time apart for a change. After all, there’s nothing dramatic about the fact that your needs and desires aren’t in sync. It’s only temporary.”

I actually started dying from laughter when I read this. MY BLOG HAS A BOO? AND APPARENTLY THEY HURTIN? I also died because I realized there were different categories for different horoscopes, and one was labeled ‘Teen’. TEEN. WITH A LITTLE SNEAKER ICON. Is this where all the Tumblr bitches go, because damn they know their audience. For this Teen horoscope, it was good for a whole week (ends on my birthday) so I thought it might be more accurate?

“Jun 5, 2017 – Jun 11, 2017 – You feel like you’re standing right in front of someone who can’t see that you’re there on Monday and Tuesday. Your camouflage wears off by Thursday, but not before your feelings get hurt big time. Bury yourself in a good book or listen to some spoken work over the weekend in order to clear your head. Sunday you start feeling better about things, and you may even get a note from a secret admirer or a Tweet that someone you admire is following you. “

HAHA- A TWEET? Damn, those teens and their tweets, am I right? So I guess a someone I admire (my cat) is going to follow this blog on my birthday- good to know. It did mention reading a book, and I just finished one (unfortunately they said it would be this weekend and I finished it yesterday on Thursday- but we’re still going to count it as a ‘you tried’ brownie point).

I decided to click the ‘Health’ tab because a blog can totally get sick. Sick af.

“Jun 5, 2017 – Jun 11, 2017 – Health issues may come to the fore now. This may not be the first time you’ve had to deal with this particular health problem. This is your chance to get it sorted out for the last time. Find out whether it’s the result of a lifestyle issue or bad habit and take action. “

So my blog is sick- sick in the head. Also, I’m dying because I got so excited about reading the word ‘lifestyle’ (because this is a lifestyle blog) when this literally means nothing. My blog doesn’t have health- what am I dong? Sos. Rip me no, rip this blog’s health apparently.

Next, I hit the ‘Career’ tab because my blog is a hard worker, posting every business day, like a freaking business woman, but she’s a boss, she’s the CEO.

“Jun 5, 2017 – Jun 11, 2017 – You’re in a powerful position now. Step up and take action to get what you want. You can be a catalyst for change simply by being who you are. Be diplomatic as emotions could be running high. Making others do what you want without considering their feelings won’t bring the best results. Even if you know you’re right, resist the desire to give orders. Be simple, direct, and honest. “

It’s getting harder and harder to read these as an inanimate website. So apparently my blog needs to be simple, direct, and honest- because she’s been a complex, indirect, liar lately- what a bish. I’m sorry but if this blog was simple, black-and-white cookie-cutter, who would read this ish? And I think this blog is nothing but honest- so Libra, who you playing?

Since I was getting a little thrown off by these horoscopes, I decided to just look up  general characteristics of a Libra, and this website popped up (which you can tell is legit because the website is called ‘Trusted Psychic Mediums’)(so trustworthy wow). Basically, the website said that Libras are:

• forward thinking
• reflective
• obsessive
• grumpy
• reluctant
• shy

Boooooring. From this description, my blog seems like the angsty girl in the back corner who says one word all yearlong and wears the same Kirkland t-shirt in two different colors (one for everyday casual wear, and the other for more formal occasions). Tell me if I’m wrong, but I don’t think this blog is boring at all! And I really doubt all Libras are boring blobs! The one thing I did like on this website is that under romantic relationships it said, “In more than 20 years of analysing compatibility matches I have yet to find a more ideal love match than that which exists between Libra and Gemini”. AYYYY guess who’s a gemini- This Bish. So I guess my blog and I are in love, go figure. The wedding is tomorrow, be there or be square. I mean I do love blogging, but that’s mostly because of all you people who read it and comment and appreciate it!

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Overall, the internet doesn’t give Libra’s enough credit- they all sound like they are actually the color gray. If there are any Libra’s reading this, please prove me wrong lol- my blog is counting on it. Lastly, I wanted to see what the bible of horoscopes (aka Tumblr) had to say about Libra’s:“I wish I were hot”- my blog

-Alli