So my life has changed a lot since last we spoke, honestly hard to say for the better or for the worst. A lot of shitty situations, a couple bad decisions, and now I’m on my blog after what seems like too long. I’m also laughing right now because I missed my god damn blog’s 1 year anniversary. It’s kind of fitting though, since I have truly neglected this blog. I think I’ll get back into it though, especially now since my life seems to be getting more and more stressful by the second. It’s fine.
I’ve been saying “it’s fine” so much lately, and not to be that cliché girl, but it really is numbing. Wow, that was depressing, but really it’s fine. I guess right now I’m in situations that only heal with time, so I’m just trying my best to wait them out. I can’t wait to be laughing at all this in a couple months. 2018 sounds so nice.
I genuinely am really looking forward to the New Year, even if it is 2 months away. A girl can dream. And this girl is big dreamer on New Year’s Eve (forget every other day of the year psh who needs them). I’m just in lust with the idea of starting anew.
To be real, you could say I am starting anew right now in my life. It’s debatable if I’ve hit rock bottom (I think I’m fine, others may argue otherwise lol), but the thing about rock bottom is I can only go up from here! Is this tacky enough for you or should I go ahead and add: if life gives you lemons make lemonade? Yet, there is truth to the whole rock bottom thing. Like I said before, I can’t wait until things start looking up.
Off topic, I really hope the people from my personal life who know about this blog don’t read this, and if they are: pls no. If you respect my best wishes, you’ll click out of this one. If you don’t, well I guess I’ll never know.
Anyways, I say that because I intend for this post to be personal and emotional and a bit uncomfortable for me. As some friends may know, I really don’t open up to many people at all. Even then, I never tell anyone the full story. My family’s therapist has claimed me to be unhealthy, and they may be right. It’s just not in my nature to open up all my emotions.
It actually gets a little hypocritical, if I’m going to be honest. If someone opens up and lets all their emotions out, I don’t see them as weak, but rather genuine. However, when it comes to me opening up to others, I find it incredibly weak. I’m embarrassed to cry in front of people. I hate showing any negative emotions. It’s strange, but many friends have only ever seen me happy. It’s strange because I’m so internally conflicted, but I never show that side.
Don’t get me wrong, it’s not like I’m reinventing the wheel of sadness. I know so many people are the same way. Aloof.
Also, don’t get me wrong, I don’t think I’m terribly sad. I know my life could be so much worse, and I really am making conscious efforts at being more gracious. That being said, it’s okay to be sad (that’s aimed towards me, bish why you keep forgetting).
I’ve noticed this big push for mental awareness. So many influencers have commented on how it’s 2017, we should all open up by now. If you haven’t already seen this interview of Howie Mandel on Ellen, I highly recommend watching it. The interview is in reference to the events that happened in Las Vegas, so if that’s a sensitive topic for you this is my warning. That whole event was tragic and I send all my love to those who were affected by it. That’s a whole other story, though.
I guess the reason I’m writing this is because something amazing did happen to me around an hour ago, and I really wish I had someone to share it with. Someone who knows what I went through to get it. Someone who understands how much it means to me. But I don’t have that person in my life anymore.
What I mean by that is I broke up with my boyfriend a couple weeks ago and it’s a bit saddening. I’m honestly fine until stuff like this happens where I achieve something great and I can’t run to him with the news. I never thought that would be what I miss most. It’s the one thing that makes me cry after everything. So I guess achievements have become pretty bitter sweet lol.
That being said, the break up has forced me to reevaluate myself and get to know who I am after years of being with someone. When you haven’t been single in literal ages, it’s so odd getting to know yourself. Highly uncomfortable at first, but now I don’t think I’m half bad aha.
I also don’t want it to seem like all this sad ish is from the break up, because it’s not. I’m going through a couple things right now that just add up and make it tough sometimes. Like I said before, I can’t wait to laugh about all this in a couple months.
Still, I would be interested in any advice you guys have to offer about going through tough times mentally, or getting to know yourself, or any of your personal experiences. This post is actually eye opening for me, not to mention a total emotional rollercoaster. I think I felt every emotion possible on this one aha.
Happy late 1 year anniversary guys! How bitter sweet.